Sulchek's Squawk

I'm a Mechanic

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 20:02:00 +0000

The website Typealyzer has analyzed my blog, and says about me:

"The independent and problem-solving type. They are especially attuned to the demands of the moment are masters of responding to challenges that arise spontaneously. They generelly prefer to think things out for themselves and often avoid inter-personal conflicts.

The Mechanics enjoy working together with other independent and highly skilled people and often like seek fun and action both in their work and personal life. They enjoy adventure and risk such as in driving race cars or working as policemen and firefighters."

In other words, we're a third-grader.

The Ur-spam

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 04:49:00 +0000

Dearest Family Of Merlin,

Many blessed tidings to myself and yours.

Please me to tell you of when I lost every thing I own in hands of most rebelous government and right now are just in room in one church urgently with nothing less then 1, MILLION DOLLARS, hiding with tears. That does not includes land buying and some other expences, the important document and every thing was demolished and I lost all my belongings and all my members.

Which is where you come in.

I now live with a member that has been good to me, she is a very nice man and has the face of God inside him. She is the willing one, who can after you help receive the monies to make transference of the boxed funds to safe harbours with hope back to the locked room.

Uncountable numbers of members will be saved by your doings, which is the reason I came to think of you.

This whole everything is all as result of grossly over invoiced contracts which were executed for the government during the last administration in it, and are presently under verification, with no fault to my members, who are in hiding or demolished. When the smoke was cleared, I was alone with the ONE MILLION DOLLARS, and ran urgently to one church with confidentiality to write this important mail to you and yours telling how it came to be this.

Until I can only write specs which is the how of the why you learned me, and keep my selves busy until help can come from your house and I can return to outside which is where I like it. It is not to trouble but enlighten you that I say you this and hope for the cash release.

(Other people in the room with the ONE MILLION DOLLARS do not like the waiting. They are not believers in you, like me who is the beneficiary, their anger and hatred and everything else is the many reasons they say they hope to demolish you if the boxes are not filled with the transactions on which we can agree in this mail, but I am not worried, no).

I am insane with happy for your reply to my mail, when it comes it shows that I am not alone in this world of hatred and jelousy and surrounded by Godlessness. that makes me to believe more and more in the God that I serve, and serve also by the love of the member of which I said you who loves me and I strongly believe it and is the how of the how I come to write this to yours I have forgiven the hounds of the rebelious government for the humiliation and embarrasment they brought to me and to my feelings, even if they are at the door, and do not have the forgiveness I am telling you and will demolish me and you too unless you do what you must do urgently. They are with Godlessness, I have said this. If I am able to have you the money to lock the door and keep safe the ONE MILLION DOLLARS in the room, which is how I came to make Contact with you, things will be better, believe it.

All that is needed is a small thousands in boxes to put in the escrow to release these funds to which God has blessed me personally but not much longer, judging by the sounds I hear.

Please, Merlin, Don't Be Worried About Anything as am going to finance this transaction with small amount of ONE MILLION DOLLARS in my possessions and the boxes are coming with a diplomatic agent who will go along with the boxes to your house address when provided by your members with the help of the love I write you that loves God Jesus and me even while the rebelious government ever knocks closer at the door.

What ever your heart fills like giving in the boxes will be appreciated not only by me but also by God the creator of all things inside, and then you will certainly not be threatened by the harmful agencies who demolished my members who were same of the ages of yours, which is the how of when I knew you must share my sentiments, if you take my meaning.

Please do very thing in your power to build back the personal house of my salvation and breakthrough, and God will bless you in Jesus name I pray AMEN for you and yours.

Once transaction is complete, I will shortly someday be arriving in Los Angelos on a fact finding mission for the church. Perhaps we could accidentally meet and I can provide you with everything thankful in person.

REGARDS Sincerely,
KU EMELU QAUDICH BELLISIMO

The Most Important Meal of the Day

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 17:55:00 +0000

I keep reading about the price of "light, sweet crude" and think I should have some, with pancakes or waffles.

Crown They Good, yadda yadda, Motherhood, yo

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 16:42:00 +0000

This morning, I received a divine spam:

=
It's like removing =
=
a watermelon-size bowl of =
=
lard from my body =
=

The equal signs puzzle me. I have to go to the desert and meditate, now. Seven days of fasting. Ten drops of water. But meanwhile, you must consider that the recent events surrounding the presidential election could be more evidence, simply, of the end of American Empire. Do we want a leader who could possibly inspire us to rise to a better plane? Do we want to continue this happy experiment in democracy and free markets? Or do we want the guy with the Budweiser twin beer can hat and the Down Syndrome baby and the *hot* GILF whose teenage daughter's horny shennanigans only serve to make, well, hotter. I mean. Fertile. C'mon. And frisky. All of 'em. Hockey mom.

Isn't hockey a Canadian game?

We are not the bright shining beacon in the darkness that Franklin and Jefferson and Adams believed we could be.

We are the ignorant, marginalized refugees held back from savagery by belief in a terrifying and vindictive God, who dig sod houses out of muddy embankments and eat the mule when the crops fail because we don't know anything about farming and then celebrate as heroic our plucky refusal to die.

You can't win this national argument because there is no argument. There is only the certainty of Faith. All logic succumbs to it, all hope and progress is abandoned for it.

I'm waiting for the episode of Extreme Makeover where they take the Down Syndrome kid and cut him and shape him and fix his teeth and make him look like Marky Mark. And then have him win Survivor. And then bare all in a special episode of Intervention.

And then we can elect him President.

Woo hoo.

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:38:00 +0000

Big Country Russia

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 01:02:00 +0000

Good Day! You are disturbed by administration of sites of acquaintances of USA. You are the member of this group. One of our members interested in you and we send you the message delivered from MemberName="MiraOldy". This WOMAN wishes to get acquainted with you. There is HER message:

"Greetings the stranger, are Written by me to you from the big country of Russia, I have read your profile and you are interesting for me, I see you as a pleasant interlocutor, I wish to et acquainted with you better and to exchange photos and not only.I will be very glad if our relations do not stop on that that we will communicate only on correspondence, I'll be glad to meet you one day. I will tell you a little bit about myself: I'm very nice, sociable and cheerful girl. I'm 27 years old, growth 169, my yes are brown, hair dark, weight of 54 kg, a sports constitution, I regularly visit fitness the centre to support the figure both to be in shape and to like men. If you are self-assured and trust that can deserve my attention that write, we will look that will turn out.

Mira."

This spam disturbs me in so many ways.

First, the photo: is that a hairless cat, or a tiny goat? Are they on the deck of a cruise ship? Mira, Mira, why tease us like this?

Then: growth 169. WTF? Something she developed after Chernobyl? At least she's sociable.

Do you think she knows Inna? And what does it mean that she'll be glad if our relations do not stop and that we will communicate only on correspondance.

And the overseer: yes, I am disturbed by the Administer Of Sites of Acquaintances USA. Of course I am. We all are. Which is why everyone needs a Mira and her hairless goat cat to comfort us with her sports constitution. All of us.

Oh no!

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Tue, 27 May 2008 16:13:00 +0000

From: support@intl.paypal.com
Date: May 27, 2008 4:46:39 AM PDT
To: msulchek@sandblast.com
Subject: PayPal Account Suspention
Reply-To: akstcabsonlinemnsdgs@absonline.net

Dear PayPal ® customer,

We recently reviewed your account, and we suspect an unauthorized transaction on your account.
Protecting your account is our primary concern. As a preventive measure we have temporarylimited your access to sensitive information.
Paypal features.To ensure that your account is not compromised, simply hit "Resolution Center" to confirm your identity as member of Paypal.

Login your Paypal with your Paypal username and password.
Confirm your identity as a card member of Paypal.

Please confirm account information by clicking here Resolution Center and complete the "Steps to Remove Limitations."

*Please do not reply to this message. Mail sent to this address cannot be answered.

Copyright © 1999-2008 PayPal. All rights reserved.

You would think that your average enterprising-but-non-English-speaking Pirate Of The Internets would: a) spell check his work ('suspention?' 'temporarylimited'), b) dream up a slightly more realistic return address than akstcabsonlinemnsdgs@absonline.net, which sounds like, hmm, a RUSE. Plus: grammar. "Login your Paypal?" Oh, shiver me timbers.

I like the dreaminess of "Steps to remove limitations," though.

Now, if only I had a Paypal account.

The End Of Civilization, pt. IX

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 19:37:00 +0000

"I am so glad that Hanes is conquering the dreaded wedgie because it can happen at any time to anyone," Chalke said in a statement. "For my first appearance at the Emmys, which was also my first time on the red carpet, I chose a gorgeous dress, but made a bad underwear selection. There were cameras everywhere so I had no opportunity to fix anything, especially a wedgie. Now I wear my No Ride Up panties because I love how they fit and I don't have to worry about tugging them back into place."

Wong Again

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 04:31:00 +0000

I followed the inscrutable Director of the Hang Seng Bank today, as he left his tryst-nyst sans Inna and headed across town with a mysteriously leaden plastic bag. He took the serpentine route, through the backstreets and market alleys, past the endless stalls and kiosks selling animal parts and blackmarket DVDs and discontinued Thomas The Tank Engine toys, his gait steady, never looking back. The black bag swung from his hand like a talisman. Whatever it contained was too small to be a soccer player's head, if that's what you're thinking, and I was, but we shouldn't be surprised if he'd shrunk it.

My feet ached. I think the knock-off Asics I bought yesterday have cardboard soles. And It ended finally on the gangway stairs of the SS Indefatigable, flying a Turkmanistani flag, seen here in the dazzling nether hours of the harbor.

I was not allowed onboard.

And the next morning, Indefatigable was gone in the fog.

I Want To Say U Hi

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 17:05:00 +0000

Ave, my dear friend!

A beautiful woman is writing you a letter. This woman is me... I will tell you something sad about myself. I am a woman who lost all hopes and dreams to be happy into marriage life. I lost belief into attempts to find my rue Love.

A lot of men deceived me, tried to broke me and hurt me deeply. But I have never given up, I overcome all betrayals, lie and went toward my happiness again and again. But... I am still alone... I am tired to live in lie, to be a beautiful toy into cruel hands of somebody whom I don't love.

I don't know you, but I was frank with you and if you feel that you're a man who is able to love, who is able to make me happy, to cure all scars into my soul. You may expect for sincere and true love of a beautiful, but lonely woman with broken heart where is left some place for true love who can appreciate it.

Kisses

Marishka

Wrong Wong

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 19:29:00 +0000

Peter Wong.

Yeah.

I got your number, mister. Beneficent Efficient Workers Motel, edge of Hong Kong, room 646 (apparently they don't number things by floor, since right next door -- what a surprise -- Inna of Cheboksary. In room number 32).

Opportunity Knocks

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:17:00 +0000

acknowledge

I am Mr.peter wong Executive Director of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd, Hong Kong.

An Iraqi named Haider Hanoon,a business man made a numbered fixed deposit of(346,736,899.68 TWD) for 18 calendar months, this is valued to Fourty Four million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only in my branch. Upon maturity several notice was sent to him, even during the war, four years ago (2003). Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him.

We found out that he dead during a bomb blast in Iraq with his entire family leaving behind no next of kin,am ready to share 50/50 with you if you choice to stand as my deceased cleint next of kin. should be interested in executing this with me; indicate your interest by sending me the following:

1. YOUR NAME
2. YOUR RESIDENT ADDRESS
3. YOUR OCCUPATION
4. YOUR PHONE NUMBER
5. DATE OF BIRTH
6. COUNTRY OF RESIDENT

Your response with the requested information should be sent to reach me at my personal email address below:
peter_wong4@yahoo.com.hk.

Sincerely,
Mr.peter wong

The Plot Thickens

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 05:22:00 +0000

This is a picture of Inna. If you look closely you can see her, just behind the phone booths right of center. I tried to get closer but she spotted me and hopped on a Vespa with Fong and skeedattled. Or maybe she smelled me coming.

I went to the floor cleaner manufacturing plant to see Frank, but since I can't speak Chinese I couldn't explain to the receptionist why I was there and she called security so I had to wait until he got off work and follow him through the streets of the city on a bike I rented for three fish, and we stopped in this neighborhood and there was Inna at the phone booth, waiting for him. I don't know what she did with the cell phone, but she must have called him to have him pick her up.

It gets curiouser and curiouser because it turns out that El-Brazi, the French midfielder she was sacked up with last month, is here in China playing left back for some local corporate team, and making Adidas commercials in Mandarin.

This place, by the way, China, I mean, makes America look like a socialist paradise. It's business, capitalism, 24/7/365 or however many days there are in the Chinese calendar.

And mediocre French footballers are all the rage, evidently. Even if they've got no pace and no left foot to speak of.

I want my backpack. Or my pack back. I still have six fish. This is not over.

Chickens Of The Sea

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 04:21:00 +0000

I traded my goat head for nine fish.

Tuna Shortage

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 03:06:00 +0000

I don't want to hear any more about Paris Hilton.

I'm in this market in Beijing. I've been here a month, looking, you know, for Inna and whatnot. France was a bust, the whole soccer star thing, I don't even want to talk about it, and now she's here, China, Beijing, somewhere, hanging out with this guy Frank Fong who she met at Hooters in Houston on a layover during that United Airlines computer shut down that got half of travelling American stranded at various hub airports which, maybe not coincidentally, are also major Hooters franchise cities and Inna wanted a t shirt.

Frank's not the Hong Kong guy I was going to hook up with Inna. I talked to him; Inna put him on the cell phone I paid for, he's fluent in English, and doesn't even do the thing with the l's and the r's. He's a product rep for a Chinese company that sells robotic floor cleaning devices. You just turn them on and they go and go. They stole the design from an American company who hired them to manufacture a similar product and some spunky Indian mechanical engineers reverse-engineered the American patent and improved upon the air sucking part and that was that. Anyway, Inna still has my backpack and promised to give it back to me in Houston, but she and Frank Fong took a red-eye to China and here I am in this market where the big news should have been the tuna shortage but, what do you know, I'm hearing all these Chinese people and they're like, "choy choy choy choy choy Paris Hilton choy choy."

Enough already.

I bought a goat head, though.

2200 yuan. I think I got a good deal.

But because I don't have a backpack I have to carry it around in a repurposed clear plastic sack that the guy at the goat head kiosk gave to me.

It's got this bright pink writing on the side:

Hooters.

Love Letter from Mr. Spammy

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Tue, 15 May 2007 16:57:00 +0000

How are you, Merlin Sulchek institutionize antitrust
That teacher had him drive. Don't you very often hate jumping?
Our files show you've been overpaying on your current rates. filamentose cartwrighting
You have been accepted for much lower.crepitus arsenicate
I forgive him his mistakes. I painted the room green.
Weren't those doctors enjoying skiing? Those students set an alarm clock.
Take a second to review, and my office will be in contact soon. unridiculed thunderplump
That banker made him cry. Is Martha missing driving near the tree?
Remove => t a kem e off AT to u g hg u ydotne t Orbitolina superillustration
That car mechanic sent him a package. That student buys a book.
Sincerely, pauciplicate spiriferid
Thad Pilger cavernal heloma
Last summer I was still practicing surfing. watchable

Frenched and Fried

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 01:07:00 +0000

Inna has run off with a League 2 midfielder (or milleux) from Istres named El-Brazi. It was right after their big 3-2 win over Strasbourg that, by the way, doesn't change the fact that they're being relegated to the National league, one step up from pick-up soccer in the parque. I can't believe it. I guess he romanced her at a little disco outside Rheims; how either one of them got there is open to speculation, but I suspect alcohol was involved.

It's so disappointing.

Now I've got to explain to the suitor in Hong Kong that his Russian Victoria Secrets model (okay, so I did a little hard sell on the guy) is throwing in with a low-scoring left-mid who might be starting to think about another career in, say, restaurant service or Crepe truck management, since he's O-L-D and still banging around the lower divisions in Surrendermonkeyland.

This Hong Kong guy is not going to be happy.

Skulduggery, Pt. 2

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 17:57:00 +0000

I lost Inna again.

Yesterday, she agreed to meet Paul in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, on Ile de la Cite. But we had to get a chocolate pastry bread thing first, and then some Orangina to wash it down, and by the time we got there it was pretty crowded. We split up to look for him. Inna had the Polaroid he sent; there's no guarantee it's even of him, but it's all we've got, so there you go. I walked the perimeter, came back to the entrance to the church and waited.

Inna never came back.

Paul showed up finally. He's got a wicked head cold, or allergies. Something about dust mites. I can barely understand him, whatwith the accent and the stuffed sinuses. He looks like somebody's hit him with a hose, and blames me for everything that's happened. I'm kinda tired of these teabags, and if Inna ever finds her cell phone and tells me what happened to her, I'm going to call the whole thing off.

I got a new Spam from a guy in Hong Kong. Hope springs eternal.

Skulduggery in France, pt. 1

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 20:19:00 +0000

The thing with Paul and Inna hasn't worked out so well.

I wanted them to meet at this subway stop in Paris. It was raining. Inna said she had a cold. Paul got stuck in traffic.

Nobody showed.

!

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 17:14:00 +0000

Our Spam Man In Taipei

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 17:21:00 +0000

[The First message As a Taiwanese seeking for God for many years], [個曾經尋求真神多年得救的台灣人]

The First message As a Taiwanese seeking for God for many years, here I ask everybody to think about B.S.E., bird flu, F.M.D.(Foot-and-Mouth Disease), earthquakes, typhoons (hurricanes), and the wars. Why are there so many disasters coming one after another? Is it not because we hurt the earth and the lives that are created by God? I hope that everyone who reads this message would reflect on this and think about how to protect and cherish all that God loves and cares about and to hope. (P.S. Please translate this message into your language and send it to your friends.) Make the world holier and more beautiful, and the lives hereupon free and happy and to cherish and control. We forget about true importance of life. Three or so masters we should remember, 1) 566 BC year,a perfect man, Buddah, who teaches the truth. 2) 1 BC year, a savior, Jesus Christ, who sacrificed his life to deliver his teachings. 3) 570 AD year,the prophet, Muhammad, who also gave up his life for God and his people. And D.) 2007 AD year, Britney Spears, who shave her head, that's all, but still. People should learn what all those masters teach: how important is to love, manage and cherish yourself your family and our earth, every day everything is love and the saint and the prophet's guide and effort. If the animals are sick, you should guarantine them and cure them. Don't kill them. Wear plastic, eat plants. Flip-flops. Paper hat. Let the animals die naturally, this will prevent the virus from mutation and cause more damage. Chickens and ducks have the rights to live on the earth. We can't take away their rights and even use their bodies to made food and clothes. We should take care of them and let them die naturally. The important thing is that don't let them eat the food which is made of meat.

[Mr.CHANG CHEN YU in TAITUNG, TAIWAN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [p.s. My dogs eat vegetarian food for many years and no problems except the usual.]

Matchmaker, matchmaker

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 17:27:00 +0000

He wrote:

Greetings,

My name is Barrister Paul Ledeen; I am an attorney based in the United kingdom. I have decided to contact you to handle an investment portfolio. I need your assistance in repatriating the funds and property left behind by my late client before it will be confiscated by government and declared unserviceable by the bank where the huge deposits were lodged.

My Client died intestate and every attempt to trace any member of his family has proved abortive and unsuccessful.

Do note that who you are does not matter and you will be better informed when I hear from you.

I want you to respond by sending:

1. Your full names
2. Tel & fax numbers
3. Complete Address

When you send the above information I will furnish you with more information about the estate and process of transfer to you.

Yours Faithfully,
Barrister Paul Ledeen; Esq.
London, U.K

So I wrote:

Dear Barrister Ladeen:

I am not fooled by your officious letter. You are a lonely man, swimming in a murky sea of law and money, and while who I am may not matter to you, this flimsy ruse involving investment portfolios, property repatriation, and disappearing clients is, I know, only a cry for companionship.

Do you know Inna of Cheboksary?

She is a broken but serviceable woman from the home of the Russian Beer Museum, fecund and willing, hopeful and determined, currently engaged in an global search for love and companionship and I would suggest that you and she will make for an excellent merger.

I propose a face-to-face meeting in Paris due to the, you know, romance factor. Plus, Inna can wear a beret. Take the Chunnel.

I want you to respond by sending:

All of your full names
Cell numbers (nobody uses fax anymorel)
Coat and inseam measurements
Complete tax returns for the past five years
Proof you've shaved off the soul patch

When you send the above information I will make arrangements for the assignation, Paris in Springtime and whatnot, and spiritedly pursue my goal of hitching Inna's wagon to yours, whereupon you can both cease the endless internet spamming for fulfillment and get on with the business of making the childrens, which is, I am happy to tell you, Inna's passion.

Yours faithfully,
Merlin Sulchek
U.S.A.

Spartans! Don't Take HGH!

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 05:30:00 +0000

Mr. Stiffy

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 16:46:00 +0000

Me, I'm more curious about the one out of four men who gets results from the sugar pill. So is Dr. Blondehottie, I think, from that slightly minxish, is that Viagra-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-waiting-for-your-prostate-exam? look.

And who orders thousands of Viagra pills, even at an 80% discount? I mean, holy pole vault, Batman.

Fact is, four out of four men will make every attempt link manually with bestlovepharm in the hopes of replacing their balding internist, Dr. Helfenstien, who's been giving them the sugar pills, with Lena, the Swedish proctologist, and her promise (a thousand Arabian nights) of eternal priapic bliss.

(When taken correctly.)

And Then A Friend Writes:

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin Sulchek) — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 22:04:00 +0000

Still, for every cut of greased washboard abs coming at us like a flip book, which okay, gets a tad oppressive, we enjoy at least as many benefits: fashion-fit T-shirts, for example, in which we all look more casually but unmistakably manly, are now readily available.

Plus, we know realize that bling looks blingier on a shaved chest.

You have to see the bright side.